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Women with Attention Deficit Disorder

Below is a summary of Women with Attention Deficit Disorder by Sari Solden, originally published in 1995. It captures some of the earliest insights into how Attention Deficit Disorder presents specifically in women—at a time when the condition was still largely misunderstood and often overlooked.

The book aims to highlight common patterns, emotional experiences, and practical strategies to help women better understand and manage their ADD—now more commonly referred to as ADHD.

I first read this book in the early 2000s, and many of the small, practical pointers Solden offers were genuinely helpful. They provided clarity, reassurance, and a sense of recognition that was otherwise difficult to find at the time. This summary is my way of sharing those insights in a concise and accessible format.

Please note: the ideas and reflections are my own, drawn from my reading and experience, with AI support used purely to enhance clarity and readability.

ADD and ADHD — Then and Now

  • Originally:
    • ADD = inattentive, no visible hyperactivity
    • ADHD = hyperactive/impulsive
  • Now (DSM-5):
    • All under ADHD
    • Presentations:
      • Inattentive
      • Hyperactive-impulsive
      • Combined
  • Hyperactivity may be:
    • Internal (racing thoughts)
    • Emotional (intensity)
    • Not always physical

Chapter-by-Chapter Summary

Chapters 1–2: The Hidden Experience

  • Women often overlooked due to non-disruptive behaviour
  • Symptoms include:
    • Daydreaming / Forgetfulness / Emotional sensitivity
  • Often mislabelled:
    • “Lazy” / “Disorganised” / “Anxious”
  • Strong tendency to internalise struggles

Chapter 3: Emotional Impact

  • Persistent self-doubt
  • Sensitivity to criticism
  • Feeling “not quite coping” despite effort
  • Shame becomes a central theme
  • Perfectionism → paralysis

Chapter 4: Daily Life Challenges

  • Disorganisation in home and tasks
  • Time blindness
  • Difficulty finishing what’s started
  • Easily overwhelmed by small tasks

Practical Strategy: OHIO

  • Only Handle It Once
  • Deal with something immediately where possible
  • Avoid repeated revisiting of tasks
  • Reduces:
    • Mental clutter / Decision fatigue / Build-up of unfinished tasks

Chapter 5: Relationships

  • Tendency to:
    • Over-give / People-please / Take on too much
  • Followed by:
    • Overwhelm / Withdrawal

🔁 Key dynamic:

  • Withdrawal is often misinterpreted as rejection
  • In reality, it is self-regulation

Chapter 6: Work and Strengths

  • Strengths:
    • Creative thinking / Intuition / Big-picture vision
  • Challenges:
    • Consistency / Routine tasks / Follow-through
  • Pattern:
    • High capability + inconsistent output

Chapter 7: Coping Strategies

  • Masking struggles
  • Overcompensating
  • Avoidance
  • Overworking
  • These strategies:
    • Help short-term / Lead to burnout long-term

Chapters 8–10: Diagnosis and Moving Forward

  • Diagnosis brings:
    • Relief / Validation / Understanding
  • Shift from:
    • “What’s wrong with me?”
      → “This is how my brain works”
  • Focus on:
    • Building supportive systems / Letting go of unrealistic expectations

Withdrawal — A Key Insight

  • Withdrawal is:
    • A response to overwhelm / A way to regulate the nervous system
  • It may look like:
    • Silence / Cancelling plans / Avoiding messages
  • It is NOT:
    • Rejection / Lack of care

Living With Others — What Helps

For others around you

Helpful:

  • Don’t take withdrawal personally
  • Give space without pressure
  • Keep communication simple
  • Offer specific help (“I’ll do X”)
  • Be calm and consistent

Unhelpful:

  • “Why are you ignoring me?”
  • Repeated messages demanding response
  • Emotional intensity
  • Criticism or impatience

For yourself

  • Explain your patterns simply:
    • “If I go quiet, I’m overwhelmed—not ignoring you”
  • Set expectations early
  • Allow yourself space without guilt
  • Choose relationships that allow flexibility

Key Takeaways

🧠 It’s neurological, not personal

  • This is about regulation—not effort or character

ADD is now ADHD

  • Inattentive ADHD often looks calm externally but busy internally

Hyperactivity can be internal

  • Racing thoughts and emotional intensity are common

Withdrawal is regulation

  • Not rejection—this is crucial for relationships

Systems reduce overwhelm

  • OHIO (Only Handle It Once) is simple but powerful

Living Your Best Life With ADHD

1. Work with your brain, not against it

  • Use simple systems
  • Reduce unnecessary decisions
  • Keep things visible and immediate

2. Lower unrealistic expectations

  • Perfectionism leads to shutdown
  • “Done” is better than “perfect”

3. Protect your energy

  • Notice early signs of overwhelm
  • Step back before burnout
  • Build in recovery time

4. Communicate clearly with others

  • Let people know:
    • You may need space / You’re not rejecting them
  • Keep explanations simple and direct

5. Choose supportive environments

  • People who:
    • Don’t take things personally / Stay calm / Allow flexibility

6. Focus on strengths

  • Creativity
  • Insight
  • Emotional depth
  • Big-picture thinking

7. Reduce shame

  • Understanding your brain changes everything
  • You’re not failing—you’re wired differently

References

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