Kill All the Marriage Counsellors – a summary review
Author: Laura Doyle
Core premise:
With this rather provoking title to a book, part of me felt compelled to reject it on sight – however many people are really looking for guidance in their relationship that they’ve never really had – our relationship ideals are often based either firmly on our own background through our own parents, or – if less than ideal – on the hope that the ideal relationship just lands in our laps. And perhaps in the early days, it feels like it has – until external pressures come into the mix – children, challenges with children, new jobs, promotions, other major life transitions, and so the list goes on.
Most marriage “advice” unintentionally worsens intimacy by encouraging control, criticism, self-abandonment, or emotional over-processing. Doyle argues that lasting intimacy comes from self-respect, emotional restraint, and feminine clarity, not persuasion or fixing your partner. Many relationship counsellors come from a place of integrity and compassion but do not take into account gender differences – despite its apparent “unpopularity” in our gender confused world. Men and women are biologically, emotionally, physically and mentally different. Of course there are crossovers and hormonal differences and I’m not denying one can choose to identify as one wishes, but I do not wish also to deny those who want to be in touch with their femininity or masculinity.
The tips shared by Laura in this book are not always the ones that all women feel in a relationship – in this instance she portrayed herself as a woman who needed to be in control, run the home, the house etc, and in letting go of that need to control she was able to permit her husband to take charge and enable him to feel important in their relationship. Some of these tips will not apply to you and some I personally couldn’t work with – but many people may find her suggestions extremely helpful which is why I thought a book review would be helpful, especially respect and appreciation.
Lastly not all relationships are destined to “work out” – if your partner abuses you, belittles you, has addictions that damage you both in different ways please seek out support. Physical violence should never be tolerated.
PART 1: WHY “GOOD ADVICE” DAMAGES RELATIONSHIPS
Theme: The problem with modern marriage counselling
Doyle opens by explaining why much traditional relationship advice fails.
Key ideas:
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Talking more doesn’t always lead to closeness.
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“Communicate your needs” often turns into complaining, explaining, or convincing.
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Trying to change your partner erodes attraction.
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Equality doesn’t mean sameness — polarity matters.
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Over-functioning creates resentment, not partnership.
👉 Her controversial point:
Many counsellors teach skills that increase control and criticism, which quietly kill intimacy.
PART 2: HOW WOMEN LOSE THEMSELVES IN RELATIONSHIPS
Theme: Self-abandonment disguised as “being reasonable”
This section explores how women often lose joy and power while trying to be fair, logical, or helpful.
Key ideas:
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Giving up desires to keep the peace breeds quiet anger.
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Being “low-maintenance” leads to invisibility.
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Explaining feelings repeatedly creates parent-child dynamics.
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Masculine coping strategies (logic, problem-solving) reduce attraction when overused.
👉 Central insight:
Intimacy grows when a woman reconnects to her own dignity and desires — not when she negotiates harder.
PART 3: THE SIX INTIMACY SKILLS (CORE OF THE BOOK)
This is the heart of the book. Doyle presents six specific, learnable skills that rebuild intimacy without manipulation or force.
1. Relinquish Control
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Stop managing, reminding, correcting, or supervising your partner.
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Allow natural consequences.
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Trust instead of monitoring.
Why it works:
Control signals mistrust; letting go restores polarity and respect.
2. Respect
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Stop correcting, criticising, or “helping” without consent.
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Speak about your partner with dignity (especially to others).
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Show appreciation before offering opinions.
Why it works:
Respect is oxygen to intimacy — without it, attraction suffocates.
3. Receive Graciously
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Accept compliments, gifts, help, and effort without deflecting.
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Say “thank you” instead of explaining why it wasn’t necessary.
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Let yourself be supported.
Why it works:
Receiving allows your partner to feel capable and generous.
4. Express Desires (Not Complaints)
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State what you want without criticism or justification.
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Keep it simple and warm.
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Example:
“I’d love to spend more time together.”
instead of
“You never make time for me.”
Why it works:
Desires invite closeness; complaints invite defensiveness.
5. Practice Self-Care
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Prioritise your own wellbeing without waiting for permission.
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Create a full life that doesn’t hinge on your partner’s behaviour.
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Joy is your responsibility.
Why it works:
A fulfilled person is magnetic; a depleted one becomes resentful.
6. Trust Yourself
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Stop second-guessing your feelings.
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Act from inner knowing rather than fear.
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Choose dignity over winning arguments.
Why it works:
Confidence restores calm, clarity, and emotional authority.
PART 4: APPLYING THE SKILLS IN REAL LIFE
Theme: What changes when you stop fixing
Doyle shares examples of relationships transforming when women stop trying to manage outcomes.
Key ideas:
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Less talking → more peace.
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Fewer explanations → more respect.
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Clear boundaries → increased desire.
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Calm confidence → emotional safety.
👉 Importantly:
These skills do not require your partner to change first.
PART 5: WHAT THIS IS (AND ISN’T)
Theme: Clearing up misunderstandings
Doyle is careful to state:
This is NOT:
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Submission
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Enduring abuse
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Silence in the face of harm
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Losing your voice
This IS:
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Choosing influence over force
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Emotional self-leadership
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Feminine strength without manipulation
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Intimacy built on dignity
🔑 THE SIX INTIMACY SKILLS — QUICK LIST
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Relinquish Control
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Practice Respect
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Receive Graciously
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Express Desires (not complaints)
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Practice Self-Care
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Trust Yourself
📌 WHOLE-BOOK SUMMARY (EASY BULLETS)
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Most relationship advice encourages over-talking and control
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Intimacy grows through respect, polarity, and emotional restraint
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You cannot fix or manage another adult into closeness
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Desire statements work better than complaints
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Letting go restores attraction
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Self-care is not selfish — it’s stabilising
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Receiving builds connection
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Respect is more powerful than communication techniques
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Calm confidence changes the dynamic without confrontation
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You regain influence by stopping the struggle
Final thought (grounded, not fluffy):
This book isn’t about “saving the marriage at all costs” — it’s about saving yourself from resentment, exhaustion, and emotional over-functioning, which often incidentally saves the relationship too.