… and the lasting impact of early institutional experiences
I sometimes find myself reflecting on conversations with clients about childhood, and the experiences of those who attended boarding schools or grew up in an era when corporal punishment was considered a normal part of education.
My own father was sent to boarding school at just seven years old after his father died in the 1930s. Like many children of that generation, he was expected to adapt quickly to a world that prized discipline, stoicism and obedience above emotional expression. I wonder how many adults still carry the echoes of those early years without addressing where some of their emotional patterns began.
A child might be summoned from lessons or the dormitory, instructed to bend over for the cane, or, in some schools, told to lower or remove their trousers before being slippered or caned on bare buttocks. The anticipation, shame and helplessness every bit as distressing as the punishment itself. I recall a time when at primary school in the 1960s, one “errant” boy was hauled to the front of the whole school assembly and given the “strap” – hit across his wrist and hands for whatever demeanour he was supposed to have done.
Alongside this formal discipline, many boarding schools had entrenched hierarchies among pupils. Bullying, intimidation and so-called initiation practices were often dismissed as “part of boarding school life” or even as “character building”. Younger children, already separated from their families, frequently had little protection from either older pupils or adults in positions of authority.
Looking back with today’s understanding of child development, it is perhaps not surprising that attitudes changed. Research (obviously so, in my view) illustrates that fear-based discipline was not the most effective way to help children learn or develop emotionally. Physical punishment was associated with increased fear, anxiety, shame and poorer emotional wellbeing, while approaches based on secure relationships, consistent boundaries and emotional safety proved far more beneficial. Gradually, legislation changed, culminating in the abolition of corporal punishment in all UK schools by 2003. (Editorial note: I can’t believe it’s not until the 21st century!)
The law changing cannot erase memories.
Many people who grew up during this period remember these experiences as simply “the way things were”, perhaps some experience little to no lasting difficulties. Others may recall the dread of hearing their name called, the walk to the headmaster’s office, or the fear of making a mistake that might lead to humiliation or physical punishment. Some remember relentless bullying by older pupils in an environment where there was nowhere to escape because school was also their home.
As an integrative counsellor and psychotherapist, I have worked with adults who have started to consider these experiences continue to influence them today. They are not necessarily seeking therapy because of boarding school or corporal punishment. They may come with anxiety, relationship difficulties, perfectionism, low self-esteem, chronic people-pleasing, burnout or an inability to relax. As therapy unfolds, early experiences of institutional life gradually emerge.
Many describe finding it difficult to trust authority figures or ask for help. Others become highly self-reliant, believing they should simply “get on with it”, because that was precisely what they were taught as children. Some avoid conflict at all costs, whilst others feel constantly on guard, as though criticism or punishment might be just around the corner. Emotional needs arguably suppressed for so long that recognising and expressing feelings in adulthood feels unfamiliar or even unsafe.
Most adults were raising and educating children according to the beliefs and knowledge of the time (which to my mind is not an excuse for poor disciplinary behaviour borne through control and domination). Yet it is about understanding how early environments shape the developing nervous system and our beliefs brought into adult life.
Children learn whether the adults around them can be trusted. These experiences often become the foundations upon which later relationships, confidence and emotional resilience are built.
One of the most rewarding aspects of therapy is helping clients understand that some of their present-day reactions make perfect sense in the context of early experiences. What may have once been essential for survival—keeping quiet, avoiding attention, striving for perfection or never asking for help—may not be serving in adulthood.
Healing is not about changing the past. It is about understanding it with compassion, recognising the ways it can influencing the present, and discovering that life no longer has to be lived according to rules that were written many decades ago.
If aspects of your childhood still seem to echo in your adult life—whether through experiences at school, boarding school or other institutional settings—therapy provides a safe, supportive space to explore those experiences and gently loosen their hold on the present.