Fight Less, Love More

Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In by Laurie Puhn

Book Summary

Laurie Puhn is a lawyer and mediator who specialises in helping couples with communication problems. In Fight Less, Love More, she offers practical, real-life strategies: short conversations, small mindset shifts, and simple verbal tools that can significantly reduce conflict, increase understanding, and rebuild warmth in romantic relationships. The central idea is that many fights derive not from what we think, but how we react, how we speak, and how often we forget small but important habits of kindness and respect.

Core Themes & Arguments

1. Bad verbal habits and reactive responses are a major source of conflict
   Puhn argues that many arguments spiral not because of the issue itself, but because of instinctive responses: defensiveness, interrupting, jumping to conclusions. Recognising and interrupting these patterns is crucial.

2. Communication can be improved in small, manageable steps
   The value of 5-minute discussions or “micro‐conversations” is emphasised. You don’t need large, dramatic interventions; regular small efforts often yield better, more sustainable change.

3. Respect, empathy, and appreciation matter
   Treating your partner with respect, remembering to express appreciation, and listening with curiosity rather than judgment are key recurring tools. These shift the tone of interactions and reduce defensiveness.

4. Handling disagreements constructively (not avoiding them, but doing them better)
   Disagreements are inevitable; what Puhn focuses on is how they’re conducted. She gives advice on how to disagree without being disagreeable, avoid “premature arguments”, tame overreactions, and how to hold back judgmental statements until you understand your partner’s perspective.

5. Repair, apology, and keeping connection
   When things go wrong, how you repair the damage matters. Puhn includes sections on making apologies, following up after important or stressful events, being compassionate, and making routines of connection (asking about someone’s day, remembering small details) to maintain intimacy.

6. Changing mindset, not just behaviour
   Beyond changing what you say, there is emphasis on changing underlying attitudes: patience over impatience; awareness over assuming; choosing battles; being more generous in interpreting your partner’s actions. It’s not just about tools, but about shifting how you see your partner and your relationship.

Notable Insights & Examples

• “Premature arguments” — arguing about things before all necessary information is in, or making issues bigger than they need to be. Recognising when you’re arguing too early and pausing until more clarity exists.

• Character compliments beat superficial ones — people tend to value being acknowledged for who they are (kindness, integrity, compassion) more than how they look etc. Puhn suggests making a habit of appreciating character traits.

• Follow-up as a small, powerful tool — checking in after something that’s important for your partner (a meeting, interview, stressful event) sends a strong message of caring and awareness. It costs little, yields connection.

• Disagreeing with respect — instead of dismissing or attacking, ask questions (“What makes you think that?”) to uncover more of where the other person is coming from. This reduces escalation.

Why It’s Valuable / What Makes It Worth Reading

• It’s highly practical: The book doesn’t stay in theory; Puhn gives scripts, short dialogues, exercises, and concrete steps. It’s designed to be usable “today.”

• Accessible style: Puhn’s tone is direct but empathetic; she acknowledges how busy life is, and how easy it is to slip into bad habits, which makes her suggestions feel realistic rather than idealistic.

• Broad applicability: The strategies work not only for couples in crisis, but for those who want to strengthen their relationship, improve daily communication, avoid small resentments, etc.

• Empowers individuals: Even if only one partner adopts the principles, many of these habits (listening, respect, repairing) tend to lead to improved dynamics. You don’t always need both people “on board” from the start to see progress.

Some Limitations / Things to Keep in Mind

• The techniques often assume both partners want to improve; if one is deeply resistant (e.g. emotionally closed off, or in denial), change may be harder.
• Some suggestions may feel simplistic (5-minute conversations, small compliments) especially if conflicts are deep, long-standing, or involve serious issues (e.g. abuse, chronic dishonesty). It’s not a substitute for therapy where more intense work is needed.
• The volume of tips and scripts can sometimes feel overwhelming; applying them selectively, not trying to change everything at once, is more realistic.

Key Takeaways (Conclusion)

Here are the main lessons to carry forward:

Small, intentional communication beats big dramatic moments — daily micro-actions matter.
The way you say things often matters more than what you say — tone, timing, approach (listening, curiosity, respect) count.
Disagreements are inevitable—but how you handle them can protect love instead of erode it.
Express appreciation and notice the good — acknowledgment of character, kindness, caring keeps connection alive.
Repairing after conflict, and following up on important events, builds trust and shows you care.
Try mindset shifts — choose battles, avoid reactive instincts, assume positive intent.

Click here for a worksheet you could try with your partner based on this book.

You can purchase Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In by Laurie Puhn on Amazon here.

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