I Love You but I’m Not in Love with You – Summary
Andrew G. Marshall’s book tackles one of the most painful sentences in a relationship: “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” This phrase is often misunderstood as the end of love, but Marshall explains that it usually signals a transition point in the natural evolution of a relationship. Love is not static—it grows and changes. Couples who expect the early rush of romance to last forever often feel disappointed when reality sets in.
Marshall provides both understanding and tools for couples who want to rebuild closeness, showing that feeling “not in love” can be an opportunity to grow into a deeper, more authentic bond.
Chapter 2: The Six Stages of a Relationship
Marshall identifies six distinct stages that couples typically move through over time. Each stage has its own joys, challenges, and developmental tasks. Trouble arises when couples resist these changes, cling to illusions, or lack the skills to adapt.
1. Blending (Year 1 – 18 months)
What happens: The exhilarating stage of falling in love. Partners feel an intense bond and often focus on similarities, idealising each other.
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Key challenges: Distinguishing fantasy from reality.
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Most common problems: Rushing commitments, ignoring incompatibilities.
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Skills to learn: Stay grounded, recognise projection, and begin seeing your partner clearly.
2. Nesting (Year 2 – Year 3)
What happens: Couples begin building a shared life together—moving in, establishing routines, or making future plans. The “real” partner starts to emerge.
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Key challenges: Balancing individuality with shared life.
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Most common problems: Power struggles, disappointment when habits clash, disillusionment as fantasy fades.
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Skills to learn: Communication, negotiation, compromise, and boundary-setting.
3. Self-Affirming (Years 3 – 4)
What happens: Partners rediscover themselves as individuals within the couple. Each person asserts independence, explores personal goals, and reclaims space.
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Key challenges: Supporting autonomy without fearing rejection.
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Most common problems: Feeling smothered vs. abandoned; jealousy or resentment.
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Skills to learn: Encourage individuality, practise emotional honesty, and develop trust that independence strengthens the bond.
4. Collaborating (Years 5 – 14)
What happens: The partnership focuses on teamwork—raising children, advancing careers, buying homes, or achieving long-term goals. Love becomes practical as well as emotional.
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Key challenges: Balancing external pressures with couple intimacy.
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Most common problems: Neglecting the relationship, unequal division of responsibilities, fading passion.
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Skills to learn: Cooperation, conflict resolution, maintaining friendship and romance alongside family and work.
5. Adapting (Years 15 – 25)
What happens: Circumstances shift—teenage children, ageing parents, midlife transitions. Partners must adjust roles and expectations.
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Key challenges: Coping with change while staying emotionally connected.
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Most common problems: Growing apart, midlife crises, or seeking excitement elsewhere.
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Skills to learn: Flexibility, empathy, resilience, and finding new shared interests to maintain closeness.
6. Renewing (Years 25 – 50+)
What happens: With many responsibilities behind them, couples rediscover each other. The relationship becomes a source of renewal, companionship, and shared meaning.
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Key challenges: Preventing stagnation, avoiding drifting into parallel lives.
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Most common problems: Taking each other for granted, loneliness inside the marriage.
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Skills to learn: Invest in companionship, stay curious about each other, embrace change, and celebrate shared history.
Key Takeaways
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“I’m not in love” ≠ the end of love. It often reflects the disillusionment that comes with transitions, not a death sentence for the relationship.
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Each stage is natural. Struggles are not signs of failure but opportunities for growth.
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Love requires new skills at each stage. From communication and compromise to empathy and adaptability, couples who learn and practise these skills thrive.
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Passion evolves, but intimacy deepens. What begins as infatuation can grow into lasting, mature love.
Conclusion
Marshall reframes the dreaded phrase “I love you but I’m not in love with you” as a wake-up call rather than a final verdict. By recognising the six stages of a relationship, couples can understand where they are on the journey and what is required to move forward.
The book’s core message is hopeful: love does not have to fade—it can mature, transform, and even renew itself over decades. With honesty, effort, and the right skills, couples can move from disappointment to deeper intimacy, turning a crisis into the gateway for lasting connection.
Links to purchase:
paperback
kindle version
It appears there is an audio version but only on USA Amazon. There are many other books by Andrew Marshall on relationships too.